Shidduchim Without Vision: By Avi Solomon
If you have ever wondered why there is a shidduch crisis the person who came up with the idea of Shidduch NetVision might be a clue to the question. Shidduch NetVision is a new method of dating where people who live far from one and another can date via a teleconference first to see if the date is worth pursuing. I realize that this idea is backed by a number of Gedolim, but as a single person still in the shidduch system I am stressing my view that this idea won’t succeed. Furthermore, I hope I am wrong in my view of NetVision since the last thing I want to see is the Gedolim back an idea that ends up a failure.
Shidduch NetVision lacks the flavor and experience of actually meeting a person in person. Furthermore, the first date is much more than just meeting in person and seeing what the other person looks like. The first date goes beyond just having a friendly conversation. I also believe that Shidduch NetVision is an idea that doesn’t take into account the psychology of people. The average person prefers adhering to normal behavior. I don’t see going on a date via a teleconference as a normal way of dating. That first date can be awkward enough. Shidduch NetVision might just might be pushing the date beyond a tolerable level of awkwardness.
Nevertheless, I could be wrong. There have been a number of ideas introduced into the dating world that I wouldn’t have thought would have succeeded, but ended up with positive results. Perhaps, I am the exception and merely projecting my psychological make-up onto everyone else. Perhaps, Shidduchim NetVision will work for many and make a shidduch happen that otherwise wouldn’t have even been agreed upon.
In the future I hope that those involved in coming up with ideas to improve the problems with the shidduch system aren’t thought of in the coffee room as I believe Shidduch NetVision was.
Avi Solomon.
There are 32 Comments to "Shidduchim Without Vision: By Avi Solomon"
Coffee Room? The Founder Is A baal haboss From Baltimore.
I totally agree! Even if someone does meet through this vision thing, and decides to meet in person after two vision dates, the first in person date will not be any diffrenct than a first date without this vision thing, only with less to talk about.
I think there really is no point in this. Maybe I’m wrong, but so far I haven’t spoken to any single that is willing to do this vision think or thinks its a good idea. People are either laughing or feeling quisy.
you are 100% right! This will make the Shidduch crisis worse, since there will be many who will oppose to dating this girl who they only saw over an screen, and who knows what would have happened had they seen her in personn!
I think you are missing the point this idea was not meant for 2 locals to meet rather it is for someone who lives far away and will incur a considerable cost to go on a first date so they turn the suggestion down because of the cost with this idea they can now “meet”before spending the money to travel
Any fool can criticize condemn and complain; and most do. You have reasons to think it might not work; fine but please don’t start bashing people who are trying to help others and are willing to spend $$$$$ to do that. I am B”H married but I remember driving hours to meet a girl and realizing within a short time that it was all a waste of time. People in town may think this is a ludicrous idea but for girls that are not near Lakewood/NY this may be a G-dsend. Let’s give it a chance and if it doesn’t work then I will still trust you if you write an editorial announcing that you knew it all along.
im wondering if the rosh yeshivas will consider a similar idea for interviewing bochurim applying to bmg
as a parent who has so far kah married off 2 of my children
i see this as a great idea one that will save many bochurim and girls
from wasting a tremendous amount of time and $$ which most of us dont have in abundance
instead of having a girl fly in from la, chicago, detriot ,toronto or even further away perhaps from a diffrent country for a 1st time date taking off 2 days from her job etc after the initial uncomfortable feelings disappear (which btw happens on a face to face meeting as well)
i think this will work to see if something more serious will come out of it btw the bochur gains on the deal as he doesnt have to meet the girls parents right away either and as far as looks and the girls figure
go i presume one shud get a pretty good idea from the video picture
hey what do you lose by trying ?if it wont work for you it may work for someone else each to his own hatzlocho raba to you and all the other singles out their may you all find your bashert bekorov
I want to say that as somene who did some time in the shidduchim trenches too, I think this is a great idea…And I want to wish a big Yashar Koach to the people who organized it!!! This thing is not going to solve the shiduchim crisis, but I am sure it is a big step in the right direcion…
it would be cheaper to email a picture and would accomplish the same thing
Hey! I heard they’re coming out with a new version of NetVision, called “Coffeeroom NetVision.” Participants will now be able to schmooze with coffee room members without even leaving their place of residence or their shtenders. It will ease the strain on those who may be too tired to trudge on over to the Coffee Room. Membership is free. I like the idea, but some critics say it lacks the personal experience. Who Knows. We’ll see. Wishing y’all the best. Happy Thanksiving and stay thirsty my friends!
We have a shidduch crisis because people got their hashkofos all messed up and as long as the hashkofa is no good the problem will continue to exist
Its seems pashut to me that #4 is correct. The point is for out of towners where the crises is even worse
Of coarse it won’t take place of a 1rst date. Just make sure its not a d.o.a.
the only way for this to take off in a positive way is for some askanim and rabonnims children to use this service first so that we will see them as a role model.
I am in the shiduch game a lot longer than you. Let me make a few points.1) A bochur who is in the dorm with “5″ roommates, there is almost never a time when someone enters & leaves the room, making a night’s sleep impossible except to those real log sleepers.
Many are tired after driving, or find driving alone an ordeal, which disallows them to relax at the date.
Going on a date will cause a bochur to return between 12.30 & 2.00, & until then 4 bochurim are waiting awake for the next shoe to drop. Being so 5 bochurim miss shachris inYeshiva & are zombies all day causing their chavrusas another 10-15 people not to learn all day. Im Tazveini yom yomayim aazveko. We may have lost 45 days of limud Hatorah if you calculate it. for this reason alone if it could be done at a decent time it is tremendous.
2) Many bochurim are not of means to rent a car, they will have to find jobs outside or inside seder to fund a date, causing more bitul torah.
3) The expense of a date especially that most shouldn’t take place is unjustifiable, not only in this economy, but in all economies.
4) Although I am a driver, I know some who may have stayed bochurim, due to the lack of driving skills.
5) Bochurim who don’t earn money yet have the expense of dating girls who do earn money.
6) Many girls [& I guess bochurim too], don’t check out the bochur & go by you never saw him, check up later, which incurs a cost the bochur who very often is learning has to shell out to be inspected by the girl, now it won’t cost him.
7) A bochur who rents a car may end up using a full 16 hours on a 2-3 hour date. Picking up the car & dropping it off could be 2 hours 4 hours traveling , going to the cleaners to pick up his clothes showering, & when he has a car all other chaws he needs, could well waste an entire day.
9) The goyishe method is living together and then getting married if they feel ready. The yiddisher was parents arranged all the couple met in doors Bas Melech pnima, & got engaged. Dating is an American compromise between the goyishe & yiddisher ways, I believe the route of the crisis,& proof is by Chasidim, there is far less of a crisis, if any.
10) Had this existed many years ago, as a norm, I and many of my contemporaries may not be in this hole? Finally someone has come up with a creative idea to avoid this madness & expense of dating, over & over for nothing, with the backing of Roshei Yeshiva & mashgichim who are well aware of the above problems, and all pounce to criticize. Of course this is not a substitute of meeting, which may eventually happen; it is a step in the right direction to eliminate the above.
Kudos & than you Hazlocho Rabbo
Maybe instead of knocking a new idea, all the Avi’s would listen to the Das Torah that back this idea, maybe they know somthing this twenty something Bochur doesn’t.
This is a wonderful idea. I remember when I was a shadchan I sent out over 20 couples (2 got married) and some of them were, sadly, DOA.sadlyer, some of them were out-of-towners who incurred travel expenses, loss of wages & anguish for nothing. If they couldve shidduch-visioned first it couldve saved everyone a lot of trouble. Avi, baby, I still love you. Dudi.
avi, we’re so proud of you. You always b’RING’ up the truth and think out of the bag I mean box.
Grow up! You don’t like it, don’t use it!
Lkwd has so many organizations like hatzolo, chaverim lac chai lifeline etc etc…what is this new organization cakb about? is it legit? are there rabbonim behind it?
Avi, did you ever nix a shidduch because it was too far and only a small chance it would work? We’re you ever red a shidduch from Eretz Y or England and didn’t even begin to consider well may suggest that the next time you’re about to say no due to distance (if there wasn’t a great chance it might be nogea) Please try this system and let us know if it was worth. Ok?
i didn’t know there was any frum people outside Lakewood
Instead of contemplatin weathe this will work or not. Pick up the phone and RED A SHIDDUCH!!! So many single people (and their parents) out there, sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring.Not enough of us are making an effort,
A gut shabos tzum alemen.
UN A GOOD SHABOS TZU DER LAKEVOOD SCOOP, OICHET.
Yehudah Censorman
If you ever wondered why there is a Shidduch crisis the person who wrote this article might be a clue to the question. Writing articles is a new way to stay at home and Kvetch about all your problems, and see if others are agreeing with you. I realize that writing articles on the net is opposed by many Gedolim, however as someone who disagrees with your point of view I think that there is a big Toeles to anything that can help Shiduchim move forward. Furthermore, I am sure that I am right and that NetVision will increase the amount of Shiduchim.
Although Shidduch NetVision lacks the flavor and experience of actually meeting a person in person, there are many times people will not consider a Shidduch from out of town, even if it might be a great catch, as they do not want to go through with the expense and extra time it entails. The first date is usually just to get to know the person, and to see if you are attracted to them. ShiduchNetVision accomplishes that in a wonderful Tzniyesdike way. Shidduch NetVision is an idea that takes into account the psychology of people. The average person wants to make sure there is an attraction to the other prior to getting serious. By meeting via NetVision this will make you feel less akward.
Nevertheless, Avi you are wrong. This idea is amazing and will have positive resullts. You are the exception and merely projecting your psychological make-up onto everyone else.
In the future I hope that those writing their ideas ton blogs aren’t merely repeating what they heard in the coffee room as I believe your words were.
As a former (baruch Hashem) elter bachur, I can say that I would definitely have TRIED the system. I was ‘redd’ Out of Town shidduchim that I turned down because of the definite tircha for indefinite return (to say the least).
But I was confident enough to try this out without worrying about awkwardness.
Maybe younger, more nervous daters would not do it; but older and more experienced daters may have more success at dispelling the
additional awkwardness, as they do in real live dates. They are just not as nervous, partially because they are numbed to the whole experience.
In general, older singles are more willing to try unconventional approaches, such as Shabbatons etc. This initiative may turn out to help that segment of the dating population that needs it most.
I agree . Althpugh I think this is a very BAD idea for a younger bochur ,it make make sense for somebody who is older and been in the shiduch scene for many years
I agrre totally w/ # 15 & #18 & the others who expressed similar views. Something BRAND NEW comes out, & BEFORE IT’S EVEN GIVEN A DROP OF A CHANCE, all the ‘leitzim’ are making fun of for reasons that, if you think into it, are JUST PLAIN SILLY. Like:
‘A net vision isn’t the same as a real face to face meeting’ Is a phone call the same?
How good is the quality of the video anyway. Well how about the sound on those cheap DSL phone connections?
If these people had lived in 1900 when Alexander G. Bell invented the phone thay would have made fun THE SAME WAY & INSISTED that every bocher get into his horse-drawn carriage & go meet the girl, like people did for THOUSANDS of years. How did R. Akiva Eiger ZT”L & the GR”A ZT’L & the Ba’al Shem Hakosh etc. 1st speak to their wives, with a TELEPHONE THING?????? If the horse & wagon was good enuf 4 them, Y not 4 us?? R we BETTER than them, Chas V’Chalila??
If you’re typing your comments on a computer, you’re already using a medium that that was made fun of just as much when it 1st came out (& it was primitive & full of problems) What was so bad about TYPING your message on PAPER & MAILING it to people, or posting it on the shul bulletin board like untill now? And TYPING? Why not HAND WRITE it? And on PAPER? What happened to PARCHMENT? It was SO MUCH STRONGER & lasted so much LONGER than this new mishigas ‘PAPER.’
The list could go on FOREVER.
GROW UP AVI !!!! The world is CONSTANTLY changing, & there’s NOTHING WRONG w/ that. Everything new needs to be AT LEAST TRIED OUT before being ridiculed.
fRUM PEOPLE Only THE ESSENCE of Torah & Mitzos can NEVER be changed. The MEANS to accomplish them however, are only ‘MACHSIREI MITZVA’
what ever happpened to the telephone? why can’t the prospective shidduch speak with each other a few times before spending money to travel? Is it because all anyone cares today is about “looks” what’s the bochur going to say on the video? stand up so I can see if you are skinny? shame on us that it has come to this. I ask again, what’s wrong with talking to the girl on the telephone before deciding to fly half way across the country?
so i totally agree with number 29 — when my parents were dating, it was totally normal for the couple to speak on the phone BEFORE the first date. They actually arranged the date on the phone. Was there something hashkafically wrong with that? Why did it stop?
While I tend to agree with number 29 and 30, nevertheless sometimes a phone call or two still does not help someone make a decision if the shidduch is worth pursuing. Somehow a “virtual” date will allow MANY to decide one way or the other. As such I think we should DEFINITELY use this new option to help those “in the parsha” to find their bashert (wherever they may be).
Avi, perhaps your bashert is in the NY area and so you won’t need this service. But for those who are willing to hear of out- of- town shidduchim, this is an absolute boon. It is a vast improvement over the telephone because it does allow for facial expression, (though I imagine other cues might be lacking in this set up.) Are you aware that the advent of the bicycle increased the average person’s locale of meeting his mate ten-fold? There is blessing in this innovation! יה”ר that it should be instrumental in making many happy marriages.