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Opinion: There is NO Shidduch Crisis – Mazal Tov!

By: An Alter Bocher. I am standing up for the sanity of all Bochurim. There is no Shidduch Crisis. I read a recent article written with impunity, how the whole wide world would be happily married if onlyparents banded together and stopped sending their Bochurim to Eretz Hakodesh to study Toras Hashem in purity, after the age of 21. The ad said all boys 23 years of age should get married no matter what.

Chutzpah.

The flimsy ad went on to list undocumented raw figures, ages and numbers as well as bad mathematics (Completed flawed numbers may I add) to suggest that a certain amount of boys start dating at a certain age, and hence there would be 200 girls left unmarried this year unless the ads prescription is followed.

Finally, the ad said that Talmidei Chazon Ish, Chasidim as well as certain other groups don’t have a “Shidduch Crisis” because they all get married at 3 years old, or something to that affect.

Hear ye, hear ye. I am not going to try to answer for whichever fanatic wrote that ad before taking their pills. What I will write is a few informative tidbits.

When I was 24, a 22 year old girl refused to date me just because I lived in Lakewood. That same year, a very sweet 24 year old said no after a second date just because I played basketball/baseball during the week, she thought I should be in Yeshiva Bain Hasodorim. When I was 26, a 25 year old girl decided not to get engaged because she thought leaving her teaching job in Far Rockaway would somehow mess up her teaching career. When I was 29 a 26 year old girl said no after a first date, seems I didn’t take off my hat the whole date made her nervous. (Who knows what the guy keeps under his hat!) I can go on and on, but I won’t.

What I will tell you is this. No one fits a mold. Attractions happen for various reasons, personalities, looks, behaviors, mannerisms, yes even Hashkofos. Attraction has nothing to do with an age. Of course, a 23-year-old Yeshiva guy is looking at a 32 year old girl as if she’s his mother, so let’s not go there. But I will tell you that I one time went to pick up a girl my age, and when her mother opened the door, I was informed that the “mother” was my date. Turns out she was 5 years older than me, but some gangster decided to set me up with misinformation. Poor girl.

Each Yoched is entitled to decide who he wants to marry. Ads in papers are not going to change the inherent Jewish genes of who has the “upper-hand” in the Jewish dating scene. Boys will go to Yeshiva until whenever they want to, or a parent or Rebbi of that Yoched decides he, individually is ready.

Writing ads of instructions, lumping everybody together in one generality of who should marry who when, is counterproductive and silly.

The issue as I see it is, boys are trained to head a household and are looking for a partner that will allow him to do so. Many girls beyond Seminary are no longer affiliated with a Bais Yaakov, and after a couple of years sound like a spokesperson for the company or school that employs them, (Unless they own their own company already) and shows very little interest in being a wife or mother. When I asked a 27 year old date if she likes to bake her reply was, “I never thought about it,” and went back to describing what its like to hang up holiday decorations with her boss. To bad the boss was married.

Its true girls must do something constructive after coming home from a year or two tramping all over Israel with an in-house tour-guide from her seminary. But who decided that they should go to that Seminary to begin with? Maybe her Barshet was available, desperately looking for her the entire year she was gone- and he found someone else- who isn’t perfect for him?

Perhaps girls’ high schools should officially end after 10th grade and girls should start dating then? Of course, whoever doesn’t get married by 11th grade should continue for 12th, 13th, and 14th, grades as well.

I think we all should leave the One Above to continue doing the One job he reserves as his own, and that is Mizavig Z’vugim. We all know that before a child is born it is called out on high, this boy to the daughter of so-and-so. The problem is we humans try to do it ourselves with all these “Kunsin” and mess it all up.

Finally my most important and serious suggestion: Don’t say no. Go out. Meet. At least twice. You never know. Who cares how poor they are, or the type of Tzitzes he wears, or if the mother lights with oil or candles. It is all, all, all, nonsense. Shomer Shabbos- Gevaldig. He keeps Cholev Yisorel- wow Extra credit.

Go out and meet. If you ever- ever turned down a date- due to any reason other than Shomer Torah and Mitzvos, you have absolutely no right to complain. Even different backgrounds are no excuse.

Go out and meet at least twice. Mazal Tov.

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There are 60 Comments to "Opinion: There is NO Shidduch Crisis – Mazal Tov!"

  • Who knows says:

    According to your logic the girls mother that you immediately rejected may have been your bashert.

  • hmmm,,, says:

    do you blame people for not knowing how to find the right person when our entire lives we are brought up to believe members of the opposite gender are to be avoided and the topics of socializing, dating, etc are never even talked about?

  • MD says:

    absolutly agree! Well said. People need to come down from their high horses!

  • perplexed says:

    i don’t really understand this article which does not actually deal with the numbers he says are skewed but does not explain what is wrong with how they made the cheshbon
    your own personal date stories have very little to do with the issue at hand

  • common sense says:

    you say “completely flawed numbers”. can you document that? what is that based on? they are very well-researched, provable numbers, in fact. explain please how a population growth and age disparity does not logically have this result?

  • Common Sense says:

    Hey, you up there! You stole my pseudonym! Please call yourself something else, especially when you are not speaking with common sense. Just about everything the writer said was on the mark. I only wish he would have signed his name so that I could redt him a shidduch.

  • ish tam westgate says:

    I feel and agree. However, that’s because I was you back 25 years. The Hashgacha Elyoina sent a shaliach to get me married off. Your points are true ,but there is a general direction that should be available to the public, and it’s not fair to hide the truth ,because of a mi’ut ha’matzuy . As a frustrated shadchan I will advise you to get back with a yes or no answer to every suggestion . I personally stop calling prospects who don’t get back to answer ,after I’ve put time moyach ,koyach , and emotion into their inyan. Hatzlacha ,and Me’haira yishama by you kol simcha

  • Grown-up says:

    Has anyone noticed that the people who take out ads to announce their definitive solution to a problem are always asking for money? This article is right. I once heard someone tell the Rosh Yeshiva zatzal over the shmuz Rav Elchonon Wasserman HYD ZTL gave to the older bochurim in Radin about the urgency to get married. The Rosh Yeshiva answered, things have not changed.
    More to be said, but lots of insecurities hold people back from getting married. There are many talmidim of Groucho Marx, who said “Any country club which would have me as a member, I would not want to join.” Now they say: The otehr side wants the shidduch, I want something better.

  • single jingle says:

    great article, funny too! i saw a full color 2 page ad in a weekly lakewood paper and i was completely floored. it had such weird, unrealistic ideas and points trying to convince parents not to let their son go to israel. no, not every guy is ready to settle down at age 21 and it is irresponsible to make them get married as such. Also, girls and boys do not belong dating people who are years way older then them like the letter writer’s exampl,unless they want to marry someone exactly like their father/mother! Keep up your sense of humor, Alter Bochur. and lets all not forget that God is the shadchan of all shadchanim. skip the ads and stupid ideas and theories, just sit down and talk to God.

  • happly married says:

    if only people wouldn’t marry for money etc.. almost all would be happly married by now
    just look at our grandparents who came to this country with nothing and they all lived happly ever after !
    if you want happynes in your marriage you will find it however if you want a bank account your going to be ‘”Losing intrest”

  • to grown up says:

    but these ads did NOT ask for money!

  • reedikiliss says:

    The writer’s notions are ridiculous.He mentions a few anecdotes from his dating career, and based off of those stories, (which might have credence, and can be subject of a whole other discussion..which probably shouldn’t be on this forum) he discounts the CRISIS that Klal Yisroel is going through. Our sisters’ and daughters’ ( and yes our potential mothers’) struggles are truly our struggles. People have come up with suggestions, they might not all be perfect solutions, but they certainly are steps in the right direction.

  • brisker dude says:

    It has nothing to do with, if they are asking for money or not. The point is that not everyone is ready to settle down at age 21. Some people may have college or career goals to meet before they get married. Why is everyone thrown into one ad that says by 20 the whole world needs to be married??

  • Daas says:

    It’s very interesting that an alter bocher is writing this article, and he makes a point of it. He is suffering from the shidduch crisis just like the girls do, and HE is saying “there’s no shidduch crisis.” It’s almost laughable. I don’t know of almost anyone who doesn’t have a older sister or a close releitive who is suffering from the crises. And here comes some alter bocher who says: “No crisis.”

  • ABC says:

    The bochrim should go to Israel 2 years earlier. A 20 year old can marry a twenty year old.

  • Single 26 Year Old Girl says:

    I don’t agree. There is a crisis! And thousands of us cry ourselves to sleep each night. And when we wake up we cry again. We feel as if there’s no hope, and almost give up looking….

  • s says:

    u find a shidduch for my 27,28 and 29 yr old single female friends then…. boys slightly younger shud perhaps consider…………..

  • s says:

    and i 100% agree with #14, there def is a crisis!!!

  • ch says:

    b/c you were rejected for “silly” reasons you are sure that the numbers are flawed? You have not proved how you know the mathematical equation is wrong. I guess all the older girls i know are figments of my imagination, there must be zero population growth in the frum community… its all a scare tactic. get real – do you actually believe that!

    ps – and does Dor Yesharim interfere with the bashert Hashem planned for each of us? I think this is called hishtadlus. Making sure there are enough boys for our daughters is hishtadlus as well.

  • Picky says:

    Girls are the anchor of a Jewish home and need to be better grounded than boys.. God instituted more girls than boys so that girls should be subject to rivalry and that way be on very best behavior always acting like a true Bas Yisroel even before she gets married knowing that a boy will choose someone else if she messes up.

  • Anonymous says:

    As a parent, I have turned down shidduchim for my child that I now regret turning down. I firmly believe that this is also bashert but I was still wrong for the reasons I turned them down.

  • single jingle says:

    to #15-hey, maybe the letter writer for one of your friends!

  • Anonymous says:

    i agree one hundred percent the girls are way to picky.

  • annonymous says:

    as a parent of both girls and boys and having married off both, it is much harder marrying off boys the girls are extremely picky and thats why there are so many older girls

  • rr says:

    Let us all agree one thing: There is an issue here. No one can deny that there is no issues in our shidduch world. I think what the writer was trying to convey, was that the age is not the only issue. I personally think that girls are too picky. If they are (chas veshalom) redd to a working boy (that davens and learns every day) they wont listen to another suggestion from that shadchen. Girls have to make some compromises too.

  • Mama Bear says:

    I think the boys are way too picky.

  • Raintree Guy says:

    100% PURE AWESOME!

    Hey Alter Bocher, I really cannot believe you are still single? Head on your shoulders. Smart, funny.
    You want to come for Shabbos? I think you probably make great company.

    As for your Zivug, she’s out there somewhere. Not any Bais Yaakov girl will do. You have too much going for you.

  • torono says:

    i think girls high schools should have grade 13 and 14,and hey thanx 4 sticking up for us.

  • Don't be so Vein says:

    There is a crisis, because people are too (moderated) picky. They think they need the perfect guy who fits their cookie cutter mold- or vice versa! The writer is saying one thing, be open minded – don’t just say no to a shidduch because it does not look good enough on paper. Meet the person-. That’s all. Give everyone a chance. I am appalled by the family that refused to go out with a certain individual bec he is still in learning, or he has a job. To this day, she is over thirty and still unmarried. Why limit yourself? If I would have limited myself I would not have married my spouse who didnt fit my original pre-requisites. And that would have been the biggest mistake I would have ever made.

  • joe says:

    honestly my best 2 years of ruchnies in my life was in isreal aged 20 and 21 only starting shidduchim @22,with out those years i hope no one would have wanted to marry me.

  • girl says:

    And boys said no b/c….I wont support for the next 10 years! Because he doesn’t like my hair color…because I’m not a size 2…Because my parents are not yishivish enough…. What do these boys care?!! they just go out with the next girl on the 3 page list! While we have to beg for date! YES THERE IS A CRISIS!

  • mother says:

    I just finished marrying off several sons and there is a lot of truth in this expose!!
    I was hooked on letting my boys date only “older” girls for I felt that I was making a hishtadlus in helping the shidduch crisis. My boys (metzuyanim, open minded, b’alei mussar and impeccabley clean) got slapped in the face many times. Most of the girls said”No” after a short first date – because they “already know that he’s not the type I’m looking for!” Many of these girls had older sisters 26,27, and the mothers didn’t encourage the younger daughter23, 24, to even go out again. It was almost like they deep down didn’t want to see the younger daughter married before the older daughter even though they were going through the motions.
    I do, however, think that there is a number crisis based on all that I have read – but bottom line – the older girls are so sophisticated that even a polished yeshiva bochur is too yeshivish for them!
    Good luck older girls!

  • Londoner says:

    In response to “picky”, do you mean to say that you firmly believe that the whole shidduch crisis (whether or not you believe that it actually exists), is due to the fact that Hashem ,in His infinite wisdom, merely wanted to instigate competition amongst the frum female population? Are you serious? Do you even know what is coming out of your own mouth/ keyboard????? According to your convoluted thought process girls only try to be Ehrlich and frum in order to get married! Please tell me I totally misunderstood you!

  • chaim says:

    The writer of this article does not make sense. I agree with his statement about older girls getting pickier which happened to me as well though this is a different issue which I don’t fully understand. This has nothing to do with the shidduch crisis though which is a simple mathematics issue and is very serious. The author keepst saying it is flawed but provided no explanation where the math is flawed. If there are not enough guys for all the girls if is irrelevant that some guys or girls are nuts-it still wont work out. I challenge anyone to explain what is wrong with the math presented in the article. I will even offer a cash prize.

  • pickey says:

    To londoner. You miss understand me. Hashem set woman to be the akeres habayis and remain pure. To that end Hashem in his infinite wisdom provided a natural competative way to do so. More women than men. The mishna tells us that once a year all the good girls woould go out and show the young boys how beautiful they are. It was and always be more competative for woman. In olden days men could marry more than one woman and this was a not issue.

  • ari says:

    i think this article is food for thought though i cant agree with everything written but if something positive can come out of it is worth posting
    perhaps TLS can turn this forum into something constructive by having an e mail address where people can e mail and someone can try redding a few shiduchim were all facing the same problems and are looking for our bashert may hashem answer everyones tifilos bkorov

  • Chaim Yankel says:

    This article makes an excellent point. There may or may not be fewer boys close in age who are available at any given moment however it is not a lack of dates that is to blame for so many older single girls. It is a value system that sadly accounts for a ridiculous number of hang-ups on EITHER side.
    As one shadchan put it so succinctly “older singles don’t need a shidduch – they need therapy!”

  • we solving shidduch crises says:

    Love the article! I couldnt stop laughing. My wife and i were both 22 when we got married so we laugh that we are solve the shidduch crises. We now almost 20 yrs later and the fact that we are same age is meaningless! I was wondering who was behind those other ads. There is a zivug for everyone how can they say a certain percentage of girls will stay single??

  • A Simple Jew says:

    Dear Alter Bachur,
    First of all, I am terribly sorry that you are having trouble with dating. It’s a challenging process which many (perhaps all, but some easier then others..) unfortunately have go through before finding their Zivug. I wish upon you that this process end for you very soon, and you are able to build a family which will bring you much Nachas.

    I’d also like to congratulate you for having the drive and courage to go out there and make a statement.

    However, unfortunately, I completely disagree with the point of your post.
    As a vent – well said in many ways; I get your frustration, and commend your expression of it.
    As an argument – you haven’t made much of a logical argument, rather an expression of frustration (I apologize for the repetition).

    1. Your point – Everyone is unique and you can’t put anyone in a mold.

    I understand your frustration with the systems and molds we all are put in to. Ok, I’ll give this one more then just frustration. It deserves to be noticed, and in many areas changed/modified. Our system in the Yeshiva world (as any system…) puts everyone in a mold. And, anyone which isn’t wired to fit in to a mold – suffers.
    A painful reality, which I’d do anything to help those which are suffering, as I’ve been a victim of this myself.

    However, that is the reality of the Yeshiva system, and as well, the kosher dating system. It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the article you are referring to.

    The system (way before this article existed) is set up very clear – when boys get married and when girls get married. Which Yeshiva’s get which kind of shidduch and which ones get a different kind. Same with girls schools and seminary. If a boy at this point doesn’t go to Eretz Yisroel, and looks for a shidduch before, he will be looked at judged – for good or for bad – but noticed. That is not giving any room for the phrases you mentioned above, such as:
    “Each yochid is entitled…” “No one fits in a mold…” “Boys will go to Yeshiva until whenever they want to…”

    You can’t have it both ways.

    There is a system currently which puts us all in a mold. Painful, but true.

    This article isn’t changing that.
    It’s simply attempting to modify the mold. And in my opinion, it’s giving the mold a bit more flexibility, by strarting out equally.
    It’s making a simple mathematical and logical equation, that, why not start at the same age?
    Why create a system (the one we have) and mold (the one we have) that makes it weird for a boy and girl to be the same age and get married?
    Why create a system and mold that when a boy gets married to a girl older then him, its irregular. But when the boy is older it’s normal?
    The article is coming to challenge the very system/mold which fits all these expressions of yours – a mold which doesn’t give room for individuality.

    Now, no one is changing that. Our entire community is a mold (for good or for bad).

    What they article is saying, to start equally.
    Then, a boy wants to learn in Yeshiva a extra two years, thats his decision. A girl wants to wait another two years before dating, that should be her decision as well. But the “norm” which exists and will always exist – for better and for worse, let that at least start off equally.

    Agree or disagree, the argument of not creating a mold doesn’t begin, because that wasn’t the articles doing.

    2. Math/calculations….

    You claim that it’s poor math. However you don’t explain why.
    I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and figure this out.

    We are a growing nation. Every two people (husband and wife) create on average of, 7..? 11…? 5..? Definitely – more than another two. Agree or disagree?

    If every generation is growing then automatically every year is growing. Agree or disagree?

    If every few years, we are a larger nation and more children, then how can we marry one generation to another and expect everyone to get married?

    You may try to argue with some Ruchny’is answer, and you might be right or wrong about it.
    But the math – isn’t just simple, it’s simply simple.
    Don’t know how you can deny that.

    3. The only argument…

    Which I see, perhaps – is why make the boys learn less and get married younger – instead make the girls wait and start dating when their 22 or 23 as well.

    However, Rabbi Alter Bachur, you kind of crushed that argument, with all your hock about “girls are getting ruined every year out of school…”

    So, on your reasoning, we definitely don’t want to push them off any later!

    Bottom Line:
    I’m so sorry for your feelings, and wish you best of luck. But, nothing in your post gives reason to challenge the article in question.

    FYI – you can contact me privately at – asimplejew@yahoo.com

    Side Note: I agree many people turn down suggestions which they shouldn’t be.
    But, anyone that turns down someone who is Shomer Torah Umitzvos can’t complain???
    Common?
    Do you really want to put guilt in to a girl reading this which turned down a shidduch that makes no sense?
    I’d like to believe that most people have individuality then just being a Shomer Torah Umitzvos.

  • sushi says:

    to #2. sorry i’m 19 and teachers in highschool/sem always spoke about dating, spouses etc. btw, i’m not from out of town.

  • leah says:

    Me and my friends waited online for about an hour On purim by a certain local mekubal who promised that we would all get married during the course of the year .now thankfully we all are to those of you who know who he is good but he does not want his name publicized

  • happily married says:

    I feel badly both for young men & women who genuinely are looking for a mate. It is important to be open minded & to give the other person more than one chance (date) before coming to any conclusions. Face it, both are probably nervous & how much can one learn within so little time. Before I married, I imagined what type of person I would only consider & thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I, being of Syrian decent would not even entertain the thought of marrying an Ashkenaz. Who knew? Everything I thought I wouldn’t do-I did. I married someone who is 100% opposite of what I thought would be a good match. I married an Askenazi with little limited Jewish education, very out-going,( I was extremely shy) made little money, ( I came from a very comfortable lifestyle) very different customs, foods,etc. The two things we really had & have in common is a sense of humor & compassion for others. I thank Hashem for every day that I have been blessed to have such a loving, caring husband. Every night as a teen I would say shema & ask Hashem to please send me the perfect match & He did. My husband has studied over the years, become observant,davens every day & night , he respected my wishes as Jewish wife & mother . In a million years I would have never believed that my beshert was someone that was different from me in so many ways. Yet here I am 28 years later & am as happy as ever. I always wish Kallahs & young girls looking for their mate, that they meet someone who makes them as happy as my husband has made me! So don’t judge a book by its cover & give the other person a fair chance. You never know!

  • yentaintheparshah says:

    I think that 20/21 yr old boys are way too immature to get married, with a few exceptions. They need to have their fun and freedom before settling down. Please don’t blame girls for being too picky, guys say no to girls all the time. I really feel that a girl or boy is “picky ” untill they meet the right one. Suddenly thier Hakpodos go out the window. I know it’s a crisis- I’m part of it but you can’t expect a girl to marry a boy whose on a totaly different Hashkafic level and expect her to make it work. On a completely differnet note, regarding older single girls, if all they would do is sit at home and bake and cook, they would probably be on antidepressants thinking about a husband, or lack thereof. So although it seems out of place for a bas yisroel to be a CEO of a company or head the Neshei Shidduchim , the single years are a time for girls to use thier kochos and embrace life. I could assure you that when girls do find thier bashert, and get married they naturally slide into the sacred role of aishes chayil and iyh mother.May we all be zoche to build a bayis neeman biyisroel bekarov mamesh!

  • Anonymous says:

    The same Ribono Shel Olam that is mezaveg zivugim, also created mathematics. Mathematical figures are fact and as true as the Torah itself. It always amazes me that seemingly sane individuals can actually argue or dispute these figures. Their arguments are as logical as disputing 2 + 2=4. How many tzitzis do you wear on your corners?? After all the ribono shel olam said it should be 4 – “mehechi teisi” if you have 2 in the front and 2 in the back that makes 4……?

  • mp says:

    Boys should FIRST go out with girls their age.

    Regardless of how old you are, first go out with a few girls your age. If you cannot find you bashert in that group, go to one bracket earlier.

    If you are 25, and cannot find your bashert in the 24-25 group, go to the 22-23 group.

    Leave the 19 year olds for the 20-21 year old boys. So you won’t have that age gap problem described in the ad.

  • seicheldig says:

    Many girls after seminary don’t have the connection to a teacher like boys have with a rebbe. I think a lot of shidduchim would go through if the girls had someone objective (not their mothers) to speak to and clarify what issues are enough to call off a shidduch,not just their hergesh and what their friends tell them. Go out there and stop being so picky, maybe you weren’t meant to marry the next Rosh yeshiva

  • justsayin says:

    Don’t forget, girls say no for the same reasons boys do – the attraction factor. This is not unimportant, so it’s unfair to blame one gender or the other. But, it does help to try to get more boys to date more girls (i.e. widen the potential pool of daters.)

  • Sam says:

    There is another problem, and I consider it a major one, there are many very good girls but not many good boys, and it’s not the age factor here, it’s the way bochurim are being brought up. A good girl wants a good boy, not one that misses davening, misses Seder or doesn’t ever plan to work because that’s his wife’s job.

  • shadchanman says:

    Ha Ha.
    Ask any shadchan that deal in this community and especially with girls seeking working boys. The girls and theyr famillys are far more pickier and difficult then the boys. Their lists are longer by a mile.
    Girls today are into looks even more then the boys and many insist on younger boys then themselves . Most girls of Bais Yakov type wont date a boy who didn’t go to college. Every shadchan considers it the biggest newsworthy break through when they obtain a yes from a girl.
    Shidduch crisis my foot !!

  • Anonymous says:

    Really?! you asked a girl if she likes to bake? I am B”H married for over 20 years and I can tell you that my answer if NO! I do not like to cook and bake. I do it anyway. Do you think that makes me a bad wife and mother? Maybe you need to be looking for a whole person and not a housekeeper. Many girls grow into the role as necessary but when they are dating they are not busy planning menus.

  • LibbyMember says:

    I would like to respond to comments directed at our ad.

    We are volunteers whose goal is to solve the Shidduch crisis.

    The data that we presented was collected from Bais Yakovs across North America. A full 13% of graduates now aged 24-29 are single!

    To make light of the situation is childish and CRUEL..
    Even ONE older girl who can not find a Shidduch, is a tragedy!

    It is also true that many boys and girls are too picky, which adds to the problem. Teaching boys to demand support is also a factor.

    We should learn from those groups that do not have a Shidduch crisis.
    Their approach to Shidduchim is to do the will of Hashem.
    They merit SiYata DiShmaya in their Shidduchim.
    All of their daughters get married.

    Getting older does not make a boy more mature. Responsibility does.
    What is more sure is that many boys that get older, have fantasies as to what their wife should be or look like.They also get set in their ways and therefore might not make for better husbands and fathers.

    This crisis is not the work of a gentile anti-Semitic court, neither is it a natural disaster. We have created it ourselves. We have to fix it.
    No amount of money can undo the damage done to a girl who never gets married.

    The current system that has boys starting at 23 and girls at 19,
    is producing AGUNOS. The AGE GAP is the issue.
    It is not Bashert to stay single.
    More boys than girls are born each year!

    We have gone to most of the prominent Roshei Yeshiva and Rabbanim
    The majority agree with our message.
    They need the co-operation of the parents to stop this terrible situation

    We have to stop ignoring the problem and be proactive.
    We must change the current system.

    Parents should not send their boys to EY at 21.
    Thank you,
    A Libbi Member

  • Jill says:

    You know i think the problem is reflective of people thinking what others should look for. Because someone would like his wife to bake and you hate it still tells me that you two are absolutely not compatible. Also because you who dont like to bake creates an atmosphere of everybody needing to be like you syndrome. Something the author seems to be saying the opposit.

  • cohen says:

    iirc
    alot ,perhaps most, boys would be better going overseas after & only after marriage

  • Finally! says:

    Dont you tell me there’s no crisis…. I sat for years in a crumby basement in NY away from family waiting for guys to agree to date me and every guy i was red to had another dumb excuse why they didnt give me a chance. the only thing i had wrong with me was that i was from out of town…. at least thats the excuse.
    I couldnt get dates to even try and give a chance… I’m BH married and past that but I didnt feel like I would ever be then. And iI know many people in the same boat.

    Yes, some guys get stuck as alter bachurim like yourself, yet the crisis for girls is there. i dont think the ad will help the situation but it wouldnt hurt if guys wouldnt be so particular on certain things like a small age difference or where someone is from.

    Even now, i get frustrated redding shidduchim becuase i get so much about ppl not liking where someone is from or not liking that the girl is a few months older, or not liking where the parents grew up….

    Its a “peleh” to me that anyone can get married like this and H-Shem is definitely the mezaeg zivugim or i would still be moping here years later!

    I will say – some girls parents are hard to deal with as well and make it not enjoyable to make shidduchim for as well.

  • TO #19 says:

    That is the most misogynistic idea I have heard in a while. Women do not exist purely for marriage. They are not solely wives. They are their own entity and deserve to be viewed as such. I am a wife and a mother and I think those are my greatest accomplishments but it doesn’t define me. And the idea of competition amongst girls to be frum makes me nauseous. EVERY jew tries to be frum and not because they’re trying to get a husband.

  • LibbyMember says:

    Is there a reason for the delay in moderating my response?

  • Anonymous says:

    to 46. If you really think a marriage can be based on whether the wife likes to bake or not says too much about you. If you really think that should be a factor in shiduchim then I have nothing more to add tot this conversation. Good luck to you.

  • askan4u says:

    to sam
    its very easy to be a good girl! every girl that is redt seems like a great girl, and i dont doubt it they dont have to learn 3 full sedorim and mussar every day or wake up for davening on time every single day!! what makes a good girl she davens is caring and bingo she is now a great girl who now wants a guy whos serious in davening learning its not a fare deal!!

  • cohen says:

    TO WRAP UP

    #35
    “It’s making a simple mathematical and logical equation, that, why not start at the same age?

    2. Math/calculations….

    You claim that it’s poor math. However you don’t explain why.
    I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, and figure this out.

    We are a growing nation. Every two people (husband and wife) create on average of, 7..? 11…? 5..? Definitely – more than another two. Agree or disagree?

    If every generation is growing then automatically every year is growing. Agree or disagree?

    If every few years, we are a larger nation and more children, then how can we marry one generation to another and expect everyone to get married?

    You may try to argue with some Ruchny’is answer, and you might be right or wrong about it.
    But the math – isn’t just simple, it’s simply simple.
    Don’t know how you can deny that.”

    I deny it

    The SETTLERS claim to have 10,000 ! more guys than girls,
    (many of whom are from these shores)

    42.seicheldig says:
    DECEMBER 25, 2012 AT 2:05 PM
    Many girls after seminary don’t have the connection to a teacher like boys have with a rebbe. I think a lot of shidduchim would go through if the girls had someone objective (not their mothers) to speak to and clarify what issues are enough to call off a shidduch,not just their hergesh and what their friends tell them. Go out there and stop being so picky, maybe you weren’t meant to marry the next Rosh yeshiva

    justsayin says:
    DECEMBER 25, 2012 AT 2:25 PM
    Don’t forget, girls say no for the same reasons boys do – the attraction factor. This is not unimportant, so it’s unfair to blame one gender or the other. But, it does help to try to get more boys to date more girls (i.e. widen the potential pool of daters.)

    kudos to both

    Sam says:
    DECEMBER 25, 2012 AT 3:07 PM
    There is another problem, and I consider it a major one, there are many very good girls but not many good boys, and it’s not the age factor here, it’s the way bochurim are being brought up. A good girl wants a good boy, not one that misses davening, misses Seder or doesn’t ever plan to work because that’s his wife’s job.

    To rephrase ,
    most girls dream, dream,dream of getting the same select handful

  • Princess Lea says:

    Wonderful, wonderful article! I feel like I am alone protesting there is no crisis, but since I am a girl no one believes me. 😀

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