To Tell Or Not To Tell?

By Avi Gutfreund. A close friend of mine recently brought a discussion that was being argued amongst a group of friends in regards to shidduchim. While I am usually quick to form an opinion on most matters, this question took me by surprise, and I can’t honestly say I know what the correct answer is. And so, I am posing the question to you, the reader of TLS, in hopes that perhaps some of you can enlighten me.

There are unfortunately many older single girls on the shidduch “market” (a term I find demeaning, but that’s for a different article). With the shidduch crisis raging (yes, it is a crisis), many girls sadly go months without ever getting a ‘yes’ from a boy. The protocol most people follow when redding a shidduch is to give the girls name/resume to the boys side first and await a response. If the boys side gives the green light, the girls side is then given the boys name/resume.

The question is as follows: if someone has an idea for a girl, should the girl be told about it? On the one hand, it may heartening for a girl struggling to find the right guy to hear that someone has an idea for them and is giving their name to a boy. On the other hand, if the girl is told about it but the boy says no, it can be extremely hurtful to receive a rejection, especially when a girl hasn’t received a ‘yes’ in a long time.

I’ve spent hours pondering this question and have yet to come up with a valid argument to support one side over the other. It really is a difficult question. Of course you want a girl to know you and others are thinking of her and making attempts to help find them their zivug. But does informing them of your idea actually hurt them more in the long run? Of course if the guy says ‘yes’ it doesn’t hurt the girl, but in today’s day and age, where boys have more options than girls, and are therefore pickier to whom they agree to date, the odds of getting a ‘yes’ are lower than in the past. And if the answer ultimately is ‘no’, that may crush any optimism an older single may have in (finally) getting a date.

Each girl is unique and has their own perspective and emotions in regards to shidduchim. Some may find that knowing that a friend is thinking of them to be uplifting, even if the boy doesn’t think it is a viable idea. But others may find that getting rejected is extremely painful, and would therefore rather not know that a boy had been redd to them at all. Should it be assumed that even if a girl is rejected she would still want to know that her name is being shared or not?

I have no opinion on the matter, simply because I think both arguments are valid and persuasive. And so I turn to the TLS readers to tell me: would you tell or not?

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13 COMMENTS

  1. Definitely let the girl know you have red a shidduch for her. Even say whom. Sometimes the girl or her family have an insight into the family because they have heard about them and they would ask you to present the shidduch focusing on certain ma’alos that the family might be looking for and you as the shadchan are not aware of. furthermore, the girl’s family might apprise the shadchan of a mutual acquaintance that can be a valuable source for reliable information , Most important is that people feel that others care enough to red shidduchim, although not every shidduch will come to fruition.

  2. In my experience, many times people will redd to the girl first, because if a boy has a list, he will often first look into a girl who has already said yes. This has happened to me numerous times.
    Also, I think I (and probably many others as well) would appreciate being told that people are actively thinking of me (and not just saying that they are). It makes people feel good to know that they haven’t been forgotten. I don’t know if it’s necessary to give details, though.
    But whether you do or don’t tell her, please keep on redding! Don’t get disheartened! We need you!

  3. Experience has shown that what MAMA Bear wrote to be accurate.
    True, there are girls that will be offended by the ultimate rejection, but for the most part (& I know this sounds crazy, please don’t all jump on me. But most cases I’ve seen, 1st hand) it’s actually the girls giving the no.
    Girls want & need to know we’re thinking about them PRACTICALLY.
    They also know most the names. That’s why sharing the name isn’t a terrible idea.
    Please, also let boys know you’re thinking about them.
    There are many rejected boys that feel no one cares. You’d be surprised.
    Hatzlacha all! Please don’t get discouraged by the no’s & continue Redding Shidduchim without fear!

  4. As the younger sibling of an older single, I believe you should always redt to the boy first. You can not imagine how many times people “mention” an idea of a name, but have no intention of actually following through with it. This leaves the girl’s family floundering. Often, we look into the name, making calls etc, and then have to search for a shadchan to redt it, with no idea if the boy is even going to look into you or not. That is a lot of time and hope wasted.
    It is in my opinion to only redt to the girl once you have a yes. Very often I have people reach out to me to let me know they redt a her name to a boy, or to see if she ever went out with someone already…
    I make sure to pass on to my sister and parents and let them know how many wonderful people there are out there who really care.

  5. I have redt several shidduchim over the years, some resulting in marriage and I now have married children as well. I follow this guideline for girls: I want to know before I redt the shidduch what you would “like” and then how far off would you go to “settle”. Using height as an example but it applies to every aspect of the shidduch, how much shorter than you (girl) would you settle for a good boy. In another example, if he had all the other things you deemed necessary, if he wore a different type of hat than you imagined yourself with, is that a deal breaker?
    I then explain that for me to redt a shidduch you don’t get to say no to a boy that fit the bill we worked out. No saying that family not for us or that shul they/he daven in not our kind, or the grandparents aren’t our type. If they say “we still want to decide if its right for us even though everything on the list seems to match what we want” I reply I can’t waste my time with you, and won’t redt that boy to them.

  6. I am perplexed as to why you are perplexed. Your question implies that there is a set, pat answer and that answer needs to be followed. Each and every time the issue comes up, a decision should be made based upon the specific circumstances. All of the issues raised by you and the previous commentors are valid and should be contemplated prior to either telling, or not telling the girl.
    Incidentally, the question posed on this website in order to determine if I “am human ” and therefore able to comment, was, I am afraid to say, beyond the education level of a sizable portion of your geographic audience. The question was 9×6=__.

  7. Oy Gevald is right! Even if everything on the list seems to match what they are looking for, they still have to make their own calls to find out about the boy’s middos, learning, etc. Should they just trust you that if you redt it it’s a go? And do you really want to take that achrayus?

  8. As commenter #5 Lkwd Girl pointed out, the boys often have long lists and his parents will more quickly check out a girl who has already has said ‘yes’ than other girls who haven’t. I know of some mothers of boys who had a policy not to hear a shidduch suggestion unless it’s already a ‘yes’ – too many names, too confusing and therefore unwilling to “waste their time” unless they’re assured that the other side is interested. Yes – it does seem unfair that the girls’ side must “waste their time” checking out boys who won’t give the suggestion the time of day. What many people do is throw out the suggestion to both sides at once, and they each do preliminary checking. Then if both sides say that it seems to be in the right direction, they’ll each check further. That way seems the fairest.

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